


The Other Side of the Story

by AliceWasNotDreaming



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Soulmates, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 20:53:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18059915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceWasNotDreaming/pseuds/AliceWasNotDreaming
Summary: Melkor was a heartless monster who was born to be alone.Or so they believed.But Melkor had a different story to tell.





	1. Beginning

I am drifting in the Void right now. Nameless, formless. I hardly exist.

You would think I would be feeling miserable. But I feel fine, to be honest. Or perhaps numb is a better word. Oh, it wasn't like this for the first few millennia - I raged, I screamed and cried and begged to be released. But afterwards I got used to it. The endless terror, the emptiness.

Was this what Eru, the Father, felt before he created me? Created the Valar? If so I understand his desperate urge to create something, to not be alone.

Or I understood, once. Now I just feel - nothing.

The Void does that to you.

***

It began at the Beginning. This is not sarcasm - I was literally created at the Beginning of All Things. I was one of the first beings Eru brought to life. And I am also the most powerful and the most glorious.

I was created by Music. I can't describe it - maybe it can be called vibrations of particles, a shaking of the cosmos as it was. Whatever Music was, I assure you it was marvellous, absolutely enchanting, wonderful to hear. And I was - well - shaken into being, you may say. Eru sang his thoughts out, and thus he shaped me.

Afterwards came my siblings. Manwe, Varda, Mandos, Tulkas, Yavanna... You know them better than I do.

On second thought, no, you probably don't. You don't know, for example, that Manwe is incapable of truly loving, though he can appear to be benevolent very nicely. And you don't know that Varda is a power-hungry woman who will do anything to rule Arda as Queen if not as King. Neither do you know that the other Valar are either blind, stupid or biased. Mandos, to quote an example - he believes he is fair and righteous, the perfect judge, but he is not all-seeing nor all-knowing. And he makes stupid, biased decisions that he _thinks_ fair because of this.

I don't hate them. Well, I didn't, but then I did. And then I don't.

Let me explain. At first I understood them to some extent - they were obedient and loyal to Eru. And that is no crime. But the difference between me and them is that they have no creativity, no imagination. They may create wondrous things and think themselves innovative, but in truth they hate change. They wanted to remain the only beings in the universe once, and when the elves and men were created they were furious. They would have been content to sing their same unchanging theme of the universe until the end of time. They weren't curious about what might be or what might have been. But I was. And that is all. I didn't hate them for their shortcomings.  

But then things happened that made me hate them. One thing happened, to be concise - they started to hate me. Hatred born of mistrust, jealousy, disapproval, annoyance, whatever - it makes no difference. They hate me. And so they did things to hurt me. So I started to hate them too. It would be ridiculous of me not to.

And then I stopped hating them because I'm in the Void now and I can't feel. I strive to feel nothing because if i keep feeling so helpless and so bloody scared I'll go insane. Or even more insane, because arguably I've gone round the bend a long time ago. So I shut out all my emotions and just drift. Like I'm supposed to do.

I'm making my last rebellion right now by telling my side of the story. I suppose it's the tiny sliver of anger and bitterness left in me that drives me to tell you what really happened, to tell you that the Valar aren't really the faultless saints you think they are.

Beware of them. They're even more abominable than me.

  


	2. Love

At some point of time, before I became what I am, all the Valar, including me, of course, lived together.

We existed in a sort of Paradise for the Gods. You may imagine it as a vast realm that no mortal beings can reach. By mortal I mean beings that can die. Valar and Maiar can't die, they can only be banished or diminished. But elves, who many think are immortal, are only mortal beings. Thrust a sword through their heart and they're gone. They can be reborn, yes - but before rebirth there is death. We immortals can't be reborn because we can't die. That is as much a curse as it is a blessing.

Anyway. As I was saying, we lived in this Paradise. I was never particularly close to anyone. I have always preferred to work alone.

This doesn't include my soulmate, obviously. And before you ask, yes, even I can have a soulmate. I assure you I wasn't destined to be alone.

What are soulmates? Someone that you're destined to be with. We Valar know instinctively who our soulmates are. Love at first sight is a foolish notion to men and even some elves because they are stupid and easily fooled by, for example, outer beauty. But the Valar are wiser in this aspect. Or I assume they are, at least - I've never heard of a Vala who has wrongly identified his soulmate. It would be a truly stupid one, or a far too trusting one, who could be fooled.

Can a person reject their soulmate, then? Why, yes, of course. Though it will give you great pain, you can do it. So you can say you aren't really destined to be with your soulmate. You have a choice. One that is easy to make, but a choice nonetheless.

You may ask - how do you know if nobody has ever done it? It has been done. Manwe did it. I am his soulmate and he rejected me for Varda.

No, Varda is not his soulmate. One person can never have two soulmates. Finwe, former High King of the Noldor, married twice, but he is one of those who have no soulmates. He can love, but he will never find a person who is exactly right. That is not to say he can never be happy - one can be perfectly content with someone that isn't _the_ _ _o__ _ne_. But if someone had fallen in love before, and then met his soulmate, he can immediately tell the difference. All past romances will be inconsequential compared to the one you will share with your soulmate.

Back to the topic - Manwe rejected me, his soulmate, for Varda, who is not his soulmate. An incredible feat, even by the standards of a Vala. I applaud him for it.

You may ask how I can be so calm about it. Oh, I wasn't. When it first happened I was devastated and heartbroken. Which partly led to my rebellion, and fully led to my urge to ruin the marriage between Manwe and Varda.

But a long time has passed since then. And if I still feel pain about it, the pain is mostly gone in the Void. Most of the love I feel for Manwe will have been washed away too. It makes sense. Love and hate always go together. You can't have one without the other. If I stop feeling hate, I stop feeling love too.    

***

I found out the moment I felt Manwe come into being. I immediately loved him with all my heart. I didn't ask him out, or give him flowers or something - it is not the tradition among the Valar. We spend time together with our soulmates, but what is the point of gift giving to us, who can have anything, or nearly everything, we want? Small gifts like flowers are too inconsequential, while big gifts like creating a species is too great not to share with all other beings. Then it wouldn't be a gift you give to one person, it would be one you give to the universe. So - no gifts.

I didn't ask him out because at first, I was waiting for him to - as you put it - grow up. Mature. Fully grasp the concept of soulmates. In the process of waiting I got busy. When I stopped and looked up, Manwe was fully mature, but for some reason he didn't approach me. I did the polite thing - or maybe the prideful thing - and I didn't approach him either. And next thing I knew I was receiving his wedding invitations. To Varda. Not me.

I was shocked. And that's an uuderstatement. I truly failed to comprehend, at first, that Manwe was getting bonded to someone else. And without so much as explaining to me, his soulmate, exactly what he finds lacking in me, why he is rejecting me.

Now that is just plain rude.

As you can imagine, existing became a torture for me from then on. A world where you are forced to watch as your soulmate is bonded forever to someone who is not you is a world of pain.

Well, at least Manwe had the bravery to tell me the news himself instead of sending a messenger. I remember that day. He was walking towards me, calm and composed as usual. I didn't even have time to be fully pleased about being in proximity to my soulmate before he opened his mouth and said, 'Brother, Varda and I are to be bonded. It would please the both of us greatly if you would attend and witness our union.'

I don't remember what I said or did. It happens to everyone when they're stunned to their core. But I didn't attend the wedding, of course. At that time I hadn't hardened my shattered heart enough to watch with a fake smile plastered on my face as Manwe and Varda kissed under the stars.   
     
Over time I will get used to it. Remember that period, when the ruling House of Finwe was still flourishing, when I was imprisoned in Valinor? Well, at that time I had to watch every day as my soulmate and his wife lived happily together. Had to watch them act lovey dovey and kiss and stare into each other's eyes and all that. But that was a long time after I first learnt the news. And I had long got used to it by then.

The day I began my rebellion was the day Manwe and Varda got married. You don't get the details because it was such a long time ago, and who in their right mind would inform everyone that their wedding day was ruined by a rebellious Vala? So the Valar paint the picture of a perfect ceremony, complete with singing doves and all that. In reality I started a fire right after they said their vows, so the ceremony was complete with screaming and yelling. I was very careful to start my rebellion immediately after they are bonded. I'm dramatic like that. If I'm to be a Dark Lord, I may as well make a big deal of it.

Yes, I had decided to become a Dark Lord right after I finally accepted the news that my soulmate was abandoning me. Call me selfish, crazy, melodramatic - I don't care. You don't just break me and walk away. 


End file.
